A rant.

If there is something I loathe, it is this. (Not the first thing that pops up in the next paragraph, this whole note elaborates on this.)

There are times when I say mean things, but facetiously. And when I say that, I laugh and I tell people I'm joking, and they get it. I go a little too far though sometimes. That'll be something I'll work on over the year.

There are times when I say mean things because I'm angry and I'm being stupid. I hate it when I do that, obviously. I've been working on controlling my anger at times, and it's been an overall success since my middle school years.

And then, there are times, when I don't mean to say mean things at all. And people say, "that's mean". There are two options here... 1) to ask, what did I say that was mean?... 2) screw it, k I said something mean, whatever.

(2) seems to be easy to achieve, but it ISN'T, at least for me. In retrospect, there are times I realize I was mean when I wasn't intending it, but some instances I just can't figure out (in middle school, my friend and I used to joke about Emily Post's book on Etiquette...sometimes I feel I should check that out lol).

Therein lies, what has perhaps evolved as, my biggest pet peeve. My family does it all the time... there's key things they look for that are polite and courteous and if they don't find them, it's considered to be impolite. It's happened before, people say I'm mean, and something tonight just sparked that feeling again (elaborated below). I loathe, the act of being judgmental towards things. It's not just talking, whenever I read people complaining about other people, I shiver. There are times when I feel I have to walk on nails to please everybody's desires, or else people start complaining and saying bad things about me.

End result: I feel like I'm saying something wrong all the time. I've turned inward and I don't talk to people as much as I do. I only talk (extensively) to people who I am very comfortable with, and who I, well, don't give a darn if they judge me. Sometimes, I feel like there's this formulaic way to talk courteously. All of a sudden, finding topics to talk about online or in real life seems difficult. Elongating the conversation is even more so.

This isn't me.

I've never been very social but my reticent-ness (is that a word lol?) as of late annoys me. Bigtime. Talking to people other than the 5 or so I feel comfortable around, is all of a sudden so difficult.

So I'm going to set my stuff on the line with a public post. No giving a darn if I say something not mean and people think it's mean. Just talk more freely. This is my goal, and I at least want to attempt.

But still, I do want to know if the majority think. I've been getting less people talking to me as of late, so I feel that either they think I'm mean (which means I need to do something about how I talk, and I can't just heed the advice in the above paragraph) or they've noticed my brick wall that I've enclosed around me as of late. Has it been noticeable? And am I mean? I'm looking forward to any responses.


Case 1: I had told my APUSH teacher that I wouldn't be present the next day, because I was getting my fingerprints. I asked her what we were doing the next day, and she tole me a long list of things, and that it would be a "big day". Well, the fingerprinting finished faster than expected, and I entered the classroom 10 min before the period ended. I felt like I was walking on nails, because it just seemed awkward to enter the classroom when I had told her I would not be there. And explaining it also seemed awkward. When I was leaving, I asked her, "what did we do?" And she responded with a fairly succinct list of things. I was relieved, so I answered, "we didn't do anything, thanks". Big mistake. In retrospect I realized that was mean (even though I had not intended it to be), but she said out loud to mean, "that's mean, Jim." Ever since then I feel she doesn't like me all that much. Anyhow, that one was probably my fault.

Case 2: tonight. I had finished my shower, and my mom asked if she could come in. I had put on my clothes so I said, "come in". Then she started saying how I should be more polite when I say things. I'm like, what the heck what did I say? When I asked her she started flipping out on me and told me not to argue with her. I then approached her and asked again... I honestly wanted to know. She told me to go away. Well, whatever... still don't know what I said wrong. I think she wanted me to say, "I welcome you to come in." She's a big stickler on courtesy.

Those are the two most prominent examples. There's more but I can't think of them right now.