A rant.

If there is something I loathe, it is this. (Not the first thing that pops up in the next paragraph, this whole note elaborates on this.)

There are times when I say mean things, but facetiously. And when I say that, I laugh and I tell people I'm joking, and they get it. I go a little too far though sometimes. That'll be something I'll work on over the year.

There are times when I say mean things because I'm angry and I'm being stupid. I hate it when I do that, obviously. I've been working on controlling my anger at times, and it's been an overall success since my middle school years.

And then, there are times, when I don't mean to say mean things at all. And people say, "that's mean". There are two options here... 1) to ask, what did I say that was mean?... 2) screw it, k I said something mean, whatever.

(2) seems to be easy to achieve, but it ISN'T, at least for me. In retrospect, there are times I realize I was mean when I wasn't intending it, but some instances I just can't figure out (in middle school, my friend and I used to joke about Emily Post's book on Etiquette...sometimes I feel I should check that out lol).

Therein lies, what has perhaps evolved as, my biggest pet peeve. My family does it all the time... there's key things they look for that are polite and courteous and if they don't find them, it's considered to be impolite. It's happened before, people say I'm mean, and something tonight just sparked that feeling again (elaborated below). I loathe, the act of being judgmental towards things. It's not just talking, whenever I read people complaining about other people, I shiver. There are times when I feel I have to walk on nails to please everybody's desires, or else people start complaining and saying bad things about me.

End result: I feel like I'm saying something wrong all the time. I've turned inward and I don't talk to people as much as I do. I only talk (extensively) to people who I am very comfortable with, and who I, well, don't give a darn if they judge me. Sometimes, I feel like there's this formulaic way to talk courteously. All of a sudden, finding topics to talk about online or in real life seems difficult. Elongating the conversation is even more so.

This isn't me.

I've never been very social but my reticent-ness (is that a word lol?) as of late annoys me. Bigtime. Talking to people other than the 5 or so I feel comfortable around, is all of a sudden so difficult.

So I'm going to set my stuff on the line with a public post. No giving a darn if I say something not mean and people think it's mean. Just talk more freely. This is my goal, and I at least want to attempt.

But still, I do want to know if the majority think. I've been getting less people talking to me as of late, so I feel that either they think I'm mean (which means I need to do something about how I talk, and I can't just heed the advice in the above paragraph) or they've noticed my brick wall that I've enclosed around me as of late. Has it been noticeable? And am I mean? I'm looking forward to any responses.


Case 1: I had told my APUSH teacher that I wouldn't be present the next day, because I was getting my fingerprints. I asked her what we were doing the next day, and she tole me a long list of things, and that it would be a "big day". Well, the fingerprinting finished faster than expected, and I entered the classroom 10 min before the period ended. I felt like I was walking on nails, because it just seemed awkward to enter the classroom when I had told her I would not be there. And explaining it also seemed awkward. When I was leaving, I asked her, "what did we do?" And she responded with a fairly succinct list of things. I was relieved, so I answered, "we didn't do anything, thanks". Big mistake. In retrospect I realized that was mean (even though I had not intended it to be), but she said out loud to mean, "that's mean, Jim." Ever since then I feel she doesn't like me all that much. Anyhow, that one was probably my fault.

Case 2: tonight. I had finished my shower, and my mom asked if she could come in. I had put on my clothes so I said, "come in". Then she started saying how I should be more polite when I say things. I'm like, what the heck what did I say? When I asked her she started flipping out on me and told me not to argue with her. I then approached her and asked again... I honestly wanted to know. She told me to go away. Well, whatever... still don't know what I said wrong. I think she wanted me to say, "I welcome you to come in." She's a big stickler on courtesy.

Those are the two most prominent examples. There's more but I can't think of them right now.

Giving Thanks.

So Sunday night (1/27), my mom cooks this delicious dinner. Baby back ribs. Dang that was good. Mucho good. While I was eating, the thought randomly came up to my mind, wow she took her own money to buy those ribs and cooked them using her own hands. That's pretty darn special, and many out in the world don't have the luxuries of ribs or moms who take the time to care. There are things I take for granted all the time, but for that moment, I was truly thankful.

Question: what are you thankful for?

The Power of Prayer

A few weeks ago I joined this prayer thing at my church, just to pray for the world, the church, etc. Well one thing we did was we prayed for people who were not coming and who had not come for a significant amount of time. We prayed that they were okay, and that they were still had a good relationship in God, among other things. Our adviser wanted to pray for a specific person, whose name we shall call "A". We prayed for that, and guess what, she came! For the first time in months, I think. Pretty neat stuff. Some other people that did not come for months, came. Really amazing.

The next week (which was last Sunday), our adviser actually got out the names list and started praying for names. And wow, even more people came. Including more who had not come for weeks and/or months. I recall we were just praying for a specific person, and he came just as we were praying. Our adviser's face was speechless. That week was the busiest week for the church in some time. In fact all the seats were filled, and it happened to be the day when we did the breaking of the bread.

"They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." Acts 2:42
"...And the Lord added to the number daily being saved." Acts 2:47
^^The above were the central verses to the lesson on the first week of the influx of people.

God does wonders through prayer.